Saturday, September 24, 2005

My white coat is one blueberry pie stain away from starring in a detergent ad

Yeah, it is time for my biannual white coat wash. Featured stains include: grease from the inside of my car door, a coffee slosh up the right arm, pen marks around the left pocket, something dark brown near said pen marks, ring around the collar, AND a brown ‘ring’ stain where the stethoscope diaphragm rests.

Well, OBGyn ended with a fizzle. The last two weeks were in the clinic where, due to the director’s decision, medical students never see a patient alone. You just follow a resident into the room, stand between the sink and the biohazard trash and nod appropriately when she makes comments about weight loss, smoking cessation, or the importance of Pap smears. The best residents don’t even introduce you to the patient so you might not even get eye contact during the entire process of patient care. It’s very good training for pathologists – bad training for DocAMAZING.

I did learn about the importance of the Spanish language, or, for my Spanish-speaking readers, la lingua de Dios. There were four Spanish speaking residents in the program, and getting linked with them led to a day of (A) being a wallflower per usual, and (B) being a wallflower that had no effing clue what was being said. I had minimal on the job training in Spanish, and all of it was in labor and delivery. So unless I needed to start yelling, “Puje, senora! Puje puje puje puje puje pujepujepujepujepujepuje, PUJE MAS MAS MAS MAS MAS MAS MASMASMASMASMASMASMAAAAASSSSSS… BUENO”, then I was more worthless than the otoscopes on the wall. Really. OBGyns are baffled by otoscopes.

So, I had three days at home without any responsibilities, except for making up for twenty-six months without my wife. Needless to say I was fulfilling my husbandly duties! *wink* You know what I mean? Yeah?! Well, if you don’t, it means opening relish jars and walking down the stairwell first to collect spider web strands before my arachnophobic wife descends. Arachnophobia is the fear of spiders, but the relative eased state of mind when a loved one is flailing in the midst of the remnants of last night’s spider silk cotillion.

I’m getting prepped for Monday, the start of my manipulative medicine rotation. I hear the there is a lot of student interaction on this rotation, so maybe my blog will shrivel up and die from lack of cynical content. If so, dear reader, I’ll make sure to continue with the ever so popular copied-lyric-blog, or the Blogspot favorite: list-blogs.

Ten little sins I don’t tell anybody about this week

1. I put peanut butter on BOTH sides of my PBJ!
2. I left my shopping cart right NEXT to the cart corral, not IN!
3. I threw a bottle at a homeless man!
4. …

I better stop now before I ruin my next post…


Blogger NorCal Kitten said...

Yeah never understood WHY my ob/gyn office had otoscopes in the first place....So DocAmazing what specialty are you thinking of going into? From the sound of it probably not OB/GYN huh? lol

Hope you enjoy your time with your wife...I miss my spider killing, jar opening hubby haha so I know she's happy to have you around...I mean 26 months without relish and spiders everywhere is hell...*wink*

3:15 AM, September 26, 2005

Blogger NorCal Kitten said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:15 AM, September 26, 2005

Anonymous Diddy said...

Wallflower in español is "persona tímida".

Memorize it, so next time you're in that situation, you'll at least know when they're talking about you.

11:37 PM, September 27, 2005

Anonymous DocAmazing said...

Hey, Doc--

I'm quite impressed with both your site and your medical training, but I'm the original DocAmazing--I've been posting on Craig's List (www.craigslist.org) by that name since the dot-com days (at least 1998), have been putting up opinion pieces on the Netherota Records website (www.netherotarecords.com) since at least 2000, and am halfway through a memoir of my own student days (during which I tagged my campus with my Doc Amazing tag). All this stuff can readily be found, if you have a mind to.

Myself, I am a pediatrician in the San Francisco Bay Area and write a little when I have the time. I also teach med students--osteopathic ones, my favorite kind (though I'm an MD).

As I said, great blog--but please, let's not have confusion in the marketplace, OK?

Buena suerte, hermano.

11:44 PM, October 02, 2005


Post a Comment

<< Home

Friday, September 16, 2005

Wasn't placenta #6 delivered? Of course not!

That's right. Count 'em. Six. They're clearly labeled to the right.

I've been straining to find anything to write about this week, but there is nothing to write about except the nothing that is occuring here... er, or the nothing that is NOT occuring here. Wait. Nothing isn't occuring here never. "Nothing" is the occurance. Goddammit.

My wife says I have a deficiency in the area of double negtives. It pains someone like me to hear this as it is like having someone say, "you are clearly not able to stop breathing when submerged under water." The mechanism for double negatives seem simple enough: when a sentence has two negatives, ignore them. When the sentence has three negatives, take a deep breath, squint, then repeat the question back to the asker, hoping for a clarification using less cirmlocution or a complete topic change. The latter is used most often by my wife in between wiping the drool off my chin.

This is difficult enough for a person who has never memorized his multiplication tables nor his own age. Each time I'm confronted with either of these situations the Etch-A-Sketch of my weak cognition is shaken and the monkeys get to work tossing numbers at the wall until something sticks like white on rice (luckily, my mastery of metaphor amalgamation is not hindered by this).

"What's my age? Uhm..." I was born in 1980. It is currently 2005. 2005-1980=25, but my birthday has not occured yet this year, therefore 25-1=24. I am 24. "I am 24, Your Honor." *Self-satisfied swagger*

But then my wife tosses the wrench in the bathwater. She will ask me a question with one or more negatives, but then switch the rules of multiples of negatives! The gall! God has allowed one man to rewrite the rules of grammar and pronunciation like this and I'll be damned if we make a mockery of his office. Here's an example:

"Don't you think this new top is cute?"

At this point marriage has injured my thinking enough to translate 'hot' to 'cute' (two terms which used to be miles separate in my mind), and thinking that the top IS cute I answer truthfully: "No". Do I NOT think the top is cute? Of course I don't think it is not cute!

I quickly learn that Wife does not share my understanding of The Rules. Hours later, when my vision returns, I fail to convince her about the proper usage of "not". And I refuse to play the "ignore the not" game. Now I'm relegated to answering questions with recitation:

"Don't you think this new top is cute?"
"The top is cute."

"Didn't you like the salad?"
"I like salad. Specifically this salad."

"Wouldn't you rather watch Shakespeare in Love before Elizabeth?"
"I would prefer to not see Gweneth Paltrow at all, whatever the circumstance."

Ah, sweet middle ground.


Blogger Bigger than Me said...

Thanks for the chiuckle. You know, most marriage therapists/divorce attorneys say that the top two things couples fight about are sex and money, but I disagree. Sure, they might have been the water to fill the dam, but most certainly, it was semantics that broke the levee. If I had a dollar for every time I heard and-or said the words "that's not what I meant!" in mid-argument, I'd be a rich young woman (on a side note, do you know if anyone is paying for that? Sounds like a job worth checking monster.com for...) Anyhow, as a fourth year nursing student specializing in OB, I have been quite amused by your blog. For the record, your "baby delivery" is my "foley catheter." I seem to have a knack for missing that opportunity every time...
Take care.

12:17 PM, September 18, 2005

Blogger Nelson said...

Yo DocAmazing--

I appreciate your comments (on my blog) and my new Power Point tricks (from your blog). A fun read all around. How's the marriage handling 3rd year?

9:58 PM, September 18, 2005

Blogger Christa said...

LOL! Your blog has just become one of my favorites. You can track hits to your site with a site counter, try www.sitemeter.com , but there are several out there. (I linked to you from Anna McGinty) Wow, your wife must be an amazing woman to be able to put up with your semantics. You can feel a little bit better though that you're not MY hubby, who is even worse occasionally. I've been married to my hubby for going on 9 years now, I'm 27. We have two kiddos and last night my mom and dad had them spend the night, so we were at the ATM going through our options for the evening (movie? eat? casino?) and I said (playfully, albeit) "we can just go back to the house and have dirty sex all night" and he says- get this- "Yeah, but then we can't say we DID anything." ?????? I believe I called him an ass while he tried to retract. You men and your way with words.

12:34 PM, September 25, 2005


Post a Comment

<< Home

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Placenta #5!

I'm a mad placenta-delivering machine, sent back through time to change the future for a handful of lucky uteruses.

Today I was on call with a cool resident and a cool attending, both of whom made it a point for me to deliver a baby. However, I was confounded on both deliveries.

Lady #1 decided to all but launch the baby before we entered the room. We were at the L&D nurses' desk when we heard her scream, and when we entered the baby's head was already out. By the time I got my gloves on the thing was 4/5 the way out. I could have told the attending, "I'll take it from here", and extract the feet, but that would be tantamount to 'taking over' cleaning the kitchen for my wife right before she pushes the start button on the dishwasher.

Lady #2 was at only 5cm cervical dilation (full dilation is 10cm). I went to go sonogram another lady for 10 minutes, and when I returned the woman had delivered. God himself rewrote the laws of biology and tissue expandability solely for this woman. Maybe he did it because of my using his name in vain last weekend when this exact situation first happened. Or maybe it was for picking my nose in church. I perpetrated both offenses several times.

I also have a beef to pick with all women who choose to not get an epidural:
It's true. ALL OF YOU. I can't stand being in the same room with you. I get PHYSICALLY SICK!

You must understand: I am a card-carrying candy-ass. Each time one of you starts moaning, crying, and writhing with contractions you transmit that pain through thin air into my own abdomen. I get a mixture of that feeling you get when the airplane drops altitude too fast and that feeling you get when you are being attacked with a claw hammer. I usually have to sit down when I leave the room to get my abdomen to release the evil pain mojo. I'm getting that feeling again even as I type about it! I wish there was some way for you all to understand the pain it makes me feel. Sigh. I guess that is just a wish I'll never see realized.


Blogger Christa said...

I LOVE epidurals. I had one with both children. I did piss off the anesthesiologolgogloist though because they (epis) don't really work on me, but they do speed up labor. It's quite funny to have an anesthesisisisologist tell you you don't feel any pain when CLEARLY you are still having contractions strong enough to deliver King Kong.

12:37 PM, September 25, 2005

Blogger unforgiving b*tch said...

LOL -- I used to work in L&D and I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't have an epidural. They never worked for any of the women and my family and I'm afraid of needles...particularly large ones that go in your back.

9:06 AM, November 29, 2005


Post a Comment

<< Home

Thursday, September 08, 2005

It turns out I am a little TOO Fair and Balanced

One of the benefits of having an OBGyn rotation in OilTown is that you get to room with two other guys. It has all of the charm of a college dorm room without the annoyances of cleanliness or frequent interpersonal communication. Everybody you room with has to be up at 6am and study until 8:30pm, with occasional microbursts of complaining about the residents and talking about sports. I could write a whole post about me trying to talk about sports in any ‘meaningful’ fashion, but this is not that day. Nor that post.

The biggest plus about this apartment is the cable. I don’t have cable at home. I have four channels: CBS, FOX, UPN, and WB. Therefore my usual choice of entertainment is CSI: [city of population >500,000], When Buildings Explode, You Go Girlfriend, and Blind Date reruns. But now I have 50+ channels to provide background noise while I plug away at soduko puzzles.

This background-noise habit of mine led to an awkward exchange with one of my ‘roomies’ (read: roommate) a few days ago. He left the apartment one evening to pick up some dinner as I sat placidly in the living room reading blogs between bouts of soduko. I didn’t have the gumption to crawl over to the loveseat to grasp the remote and switch the channel from FOXNews to something more satisfying like Futurama or Reno 911. While this may seem silly to most, my laptop becomes a pivot point when it is in my lap and all of my motions are made from an Indian-style position until nature calls or my lap gets too sweaty from the Chernobyl-level heat emanated from my Dell.

The next twenty minutes were an award winning display of ignoring Sheperd Smith’s comparing New Orleans to Hiroshima (yes, he really did that). Soon, Roomie returns and says, “So you’re a good ol’ Southern boy too!”

I looked up and tried to make the connection between reading updates about the new iPod and “Southern boy” status.

Roomie, being connected to me through similar location status, picks up on this and points to the television, “FOXNews.”

After another moment of me pursing my lips and squinting at him, Roomie starts on how much he likes nutty ol’ Shep and his fair and balanced news. I feel uncomfortable that my Southern status test turned up a false positive and I think that I should stop Roomie before he starts telling me Southern boy trade secrets or puts me on any mailing lists.

I stop him with, “I actually just left the TV on the station when you left.” Not knowing better I also add, “I usually watch CNN or MSNBC.”

Roomie looks as though he has just lost a new brother. “Oh. You know, I thought you were a Democrat.” … It all starts making sense: Southern boy = FOXNews watcher = Republican. Likewise: CNN/MSNBC watcher = Democrat = bastard heartbreaker. And from the look on his face I could also figure: Republican > Democrat.

I try to salve his pain by saying that I’m not Democrat or Republican, but rather, I vote only for candidates that I have researched well enough to support. This leaves Roomie in a quandary. Die-hards for either side of the political line work only with absolutes, much like the Sith. Roomie stares at the “Republican Friend” and “Democrat Enemy” tags in his hands and still doesn’t know which to place on my ear.

“Are you Pro-Life or Pro-Choice?” he asks.

I realize that he is not interested in nuance and a deeper conversation about extreme cases. So I decide the best way to diffuse this situation is with a poorly delivered joke. “Neither,” I say, “I’m just Anti-Life.”

“What does that mean?!”

Fie on his literalism! I explain that my answer was a joke on how the names for each side insinuate that the other side are against life or choice. “You know? Pro-Lifers are not against choice and Pro-choicers aren’t against life.”

Roomie’s half nod inform me that I am wrong about both counts. Two minutes of silence pass like an ileus. I cough nervously. O’Reilly cuts off someone’s mic on the TV. I finally awkwardly break the silence once more.

“I’m not really Anti-Life.”

…I don’t remember who switched the TV station to ESPN, but things returned to normal after someone’s helmet flew off during a tackle. Thank God for the simple joys of sports injuries.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

interesting, glad you think outside the two party box. a friend of mine once said that the pro-choice people should call themselves the "anti-regulated lifers" or something like that. the battle of words is ridiculous.

9:39 PM, September 08, 2005

Blogger Clive Dangerously said...

I am anti-life. I think there should be no more babies at all so that the human race dies off in 80 or so years. Maybe earlier because there will be a fiver or so year period where everyone is elderly and nothing will get done.

6:24 PM, September 11, 2005


Post a Comment

<< Home

Friday, September 02, 2005

PolitiPost:: Brought to you by the number 12 and the letters A, C, L and U.

There is a clear difference between 'looters' and 'finders' in New Orleans:
If there's any justice, FEMA Under Secretary Brown will go to jail for this guy's 'crime'.
This is not political but Taylor Dent's serve has straightened up since he has 'let the darkness take over'.
America, protecting our natives for over two centuries.
The best explanation yet about why ID is a joke with scientists.


Anonymous bloctor dogger said...

This ID debate feels much like an arguement with my wife. Are we sure that the Discovery Institute hasn't borrowed the female arguementative trump card from mother nature? This arguing about the controversy and not the facts unnerves me every time.

10:53 PM, September 07, 2005


Post a Comment

<< Home