Sunday, September 11, 2005

Placenta #5!

I'm a mad placenta-delivering machine, sent back through time to change the future for a handful of lucky uteruses.

Today I was on call with a cool resident and a cool attending, both of whom made it a point for me to deliver a baby. However, I was confounded on both deliveries.

Lady #1 decided to all but launch the baby before we entered the room. We were at the L&D nurses' desk when we heard her scream, and when we entered the baby's head was already out. By the time I got my gloves on the thing was 4/5 the way out. I could have told the attending, "I'll take it from here", and extract the feet, but that would be tantamount to 'taking over' cleaning the kitchen for my wife right before she pushes the start button on the dishwasher.

Lady #2 was at only 5cm cervical dilation (full dilation is 10cm). I went to go sonogram another lady for 10 minutes, and when I returned the woman had delivered. God himself rewrote the laws of biology and tissue expandability solely for this woman. Maybe he did it because of my using his name in vain last weekend when this exact situation first happened. Or maybe it was for picking my nose in church. I perpetrated both offenses several times.

I also have a beef to pick with all women who choose to not get an epidural:
It's true. ALL OF YOU. I can't stand being in the same room with you. I get PHYSICALLY SICK!

You must understand: I am a card-carrying candy-ass. Each time one of you starts moaning, crying, and writhing with contractions you transmit that pain through thin air into my own abdomen. I get a mixture of that feeling you get when the airplane drops altitude too fast and that feeling you get when you are being attacked with a claw hammer. I usually have to sit down when I leave the room to get my abdomen to release the evil pain mojo. I'm getting that feeling again even as I type about it! I wish there was some way for you all to understand the pain it makes me feel. Sigh. I guess that is just a wish I'll never see realized.


Blogger Christa said...

I LOVE epidurals. I had one with both children. I did piss off the anesthesiologolgogloist though because they (epis) don't really work on me, but they do speed up labor. It's quite funny to have an anesthesisisisologist tell you you don't feel any pain when CLEARLY you are still having contractions strong enough to deliver King Kong.

12:37 PM, September 25, 2005

Blogger unforgiving b*tch said...

LOL -- I used to work in L&D and I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't have an epidural. They never worked for any of the women and my family and I'm afraid of needles...particularly large ones that go in your back.

9:06 AM, November 29, 2005


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