Friday, September 16, 2005

Wasn't placenta #6 delivered? Of course not!

That's right. Count 'em. Six. They're clearly labeled to the right.

I've been straining to find anything to write about this week, but there is nothing to write about except the nothing that is occuring here... er, or the nothing that is NOT occuring here. Wait. Nothing isn't occuring here never. "Nothing" is the occurance. Goddammit.

My wife says I have a deficiency in the area of double negtives. It pains someone like me to hear this as it is like having someone say, "you are clearly not able to stop breathing when submerged under water." The mechanism for double negatives seem simple enough: when a sentence has two negatives, ignore them. When the sentence has three negatives, take a deep breath, squint, then repeat the question back to the asker, hoping for a clarification using less cirmlocution or a complete topic change. The latter is used most often by my wife in between wiping the drool off my chin.

This is difficult enough for a person who has never memorized his multiplication tables nor his own age. Each time I'm confronted with either of these situations the Etch-A-Sketch of my weak cognition is shaken and the monkeys get to work tossing numbers at the wall until something sticks like white on rice (luckily, my mastery of metaphor amalgamation is not hindered by this).

"What's my age? Uhm..." I was born in 1980. It is currently 2005. 2005-1980=25, but my birthday has not occured yet this year, therefore 25-1=24. I am 24. "I am 24, Your Honor." *Self-satisfied swagger*

But then my wife tosses the wrench in the bathwater. She will ask me a question with one or more negatives, but then switch the rules of multiples of negatives! The gall! God has allowed one man to rewrite the rules of grammar and pronunciation like this and I'll be damned if we make a mockery of his office. Here's an example:

"Don't you think this new top is cute?"

At this point marriage has injured my thinking enough to translate 'hot' to 'cute' (two terms which used to be miles separate in my mind), and thinking that the top IS cute I answer truthfully: "No". Do I NOT think the top is cute? Of course I don't think it is not cute!

I quickly learn that Wife does not share my understanding of The Rules. Hours later, when my vision returns, I fail to convince her about the proper usage of "not". And I refuse to play the "ignore the not" game. Now I'm relegated to answering questions with recitation:

"Don't you think this new top is cute?"
"The top is cute."

"Didn't you like the salad?"
"I like salad. Specifically this salad."

"Wouldn't you rather watch Shakespeare in Love before Elizabeth?"
"I would prefer to not see Gweneth Paltrow at all, whatever the circumstance."

Ah, sweet middle ground.


Blogger Bigger than Me said...

Thanks for the chiuckle. You know, most marriage therapists/divorce attorneys say that the top two things couples fight about are sex and money, but I disagree. Sure, they might have been the water to fill the dam, but most certainly, it was semantics that broke the levee. If I had a dollar for every time I heard and-or said the words "that's not what I meant!" in mid-argument, I'd be a rich young woman (on a side note, do you know if anyone is paying for that? Sounds like a job worth checking monster.com for...) Anyhow, as a fourth year nursing student specializing in OB, I have been quite amused by your blog. For the record, your "baby delivery" is my "foley catheter." I seem to have a knack for missing that opportunity every time...
Take care.

12:17 PM, September 18, 2005

Blogger Nelson said...

Yo DocAmazing--

I appreciate your comments (on my blog) and my new Power Point tricks (from your blog). A fun read all around. How's the marriage handling 3rd year?

9:58 PM, September 18, 2005

Blogger Christa said...

LOL! Your blog has just become one of my favorites. You can track hits to your site with a site counter, try www.sitemeter.com , but there are several out there. (I linked to you from Anna McGinty) Wow, your wife must be an amazing woman to be able to put up with your semantics. You can feel a little bit better though that you're not MY hubby, who is even worse occasionally. I've been married to my hubby for going on 9 years now, I'm 27. We have two kiddos and last night my mom and dad had them spend the night, so we were at the ATM going through our options for the evening (movie? eat? casino?) and I said (playfully, albeit) "we can just go back to the house and have dirty sex all night" and he says- get this- "Yeah, but then we can't say we DID anything." ?????? I believe I called him an ass while he tried to retract. You men and your way with words.

12:34 PM, September 25, 2005


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